1. Going to college guarantees you will be successful.
Unpaid internships don’t pay the bills.
2. Enjoy high school; it’s the best years of your life.
Actually it’s college because there’s no curfew.
3. If someone is mean, that just means they like you.
Some people are actually mean because they don’t like you.
4. Sticks and stones will break your bones, but words will never hurt you.
Sometimes words create the deepest wounds.
5. Everyone’s a winner!
Try telling that to the winless little league team.
6. You need to learn cursive so you can write like an adult.
My signature doesn’t even count as cursive and they don’t even teach cursive in most schools anymore.
7. Eating carrots will help you see better.
Nothing can ever reverse the inevitable damage caused from years of browsing the internet on small, lighted screens in dark rooms.
8. The dog went to live on a farm where he’s happy.
I hate to break it to you, but he died.
9. If you are nice to others, they’ll be nice to you.
What fairytale land is this one from?
10. Good things come to those who wait.
A little advice, don’t just wait for your dreams to happen, you gotta get up and make them happen!
11. If you do drugs once, it will ruin your life.
Chances are mom and dad tried them in their younger years. Besides, everyone knows it takes at least two times for your life to be ruined.
12. If you cross your eyes too much, they’ll stay like that.
We all tried it out of curiosity, but fortunately it was a bold-faced lie.
13. Coffee stunts your growth.
This just doesn’t even make sense.
14. Sitting too close to the TV will make you go blind.
At least not anymore with all our advancements in technology.
15. Don’t go swimming for half an hour after you eat.
Okay, this may be true in SOME cases, but in reality they just didn’t want to deal with us wanting to go to the pool. But that’s fine, we’d probably drown without coffee energy either way.
16. Cheaters never win.
Unless you’re a politician, athlete, lawyer, businessman…or hey, even teachers these days!
17. Everything happens for a reason.
Except most of the time that reason was we were stupid and made a bad decision.
18. Going outside with wet hair will give you a cold.
Though it certainly won’t help, you technically get colds from other people. So unless you plan on having a makeout sesh with frozen hair, you’re probably good.
19. There’s nowhere to go from here but up!
This one may be true. But that’s only because your advice has gotten us to the very bottom.